You’ve probably seen the headlines: Prince Andrew’s giving up his Duke of York title. Again. The government called it “the right course of action,” which is polite code for please just bugger off quietly, Your Highness. Your Highness!! Yes, that’s correct us peasants are still supposed to call him Your Highness for god’s sake.
But let’s be clear, as politicians love to say, he’s not actually giving it up. He’s just agreed not to use it. Enough of this nonsense. We should be giving him more titles. Pile them high! If we’re going to keep him around like a royal ghost haunting the tabloids, we might as well make it official.
Prince Andrew, Duke of Disgusting, Baron of Bad Decisions, Earl of Epstein, Patron Saint of Pedos.
This is the same guy who once represented the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children. They’d have been better off with Jimmy Savile or Gary Glitter. The charity’s been distancing itself faster than a copper backing out of a dodgy WhatsApp group.
He’s lost his patronages, his reputation, but somehow not his sense of entitlement. And now, apparently, he’s planning a “low-key life of service.” Yeah, right. This is a man who thinks service means having someone else groom your victims.
I tolerated the whole royal family circus while the Queen was alive. She seemed like a nice old lady she’d been on the throne my whole life. I let the whole thing wash over me like sewage. Unpleasant, but familiar.
Now suddenly, Charles is King and Camilla’s Queen. What? The idea that one family can inherit titles, live in castles, wave from balconies, and call it “public service,” while the rest of us peasants aren’t even allowed the Wi-Fi code, is absurd. Why are we still going along with this bullshit?
The royal family is like some awful soap opera.
Charles has the personality of a side salad. William’s doing an impression of someone who gives a toss. And Harry’s off in California recording his next winging podcast.
Without Andrew, the monarchy hasn’t even got a proper villain and every soap opera needs a villain.
And before you say, “But Mike, he’s been punished!” Just shut up. The man still lives in a palace the size of Milton Keynes and doesn’t have to worry about the gas bill. The rest of us lose our jobs and end up on Universal Credit. He loses his, and he’s still a prince, yes, a PRINCE with servants ironing his trousers and calling him “Sir.”
For me, Andrew has just highlighted how ridiculous the whole royal institution really is. I say get rid of the bloody lot of them.
And when someone inevitably says, “But they bring in loads of money through tourism!” I say ok, keep the Americans happy. Parade Andrew up and down The Mall once a year as a reminder of what happens when privilege meets corruption and stupidity.
And if that doesn’t make him sweat… nothing will.
